Shinitagari
by Pyrite Wings
Summary: A meaningless (to you all that is) songfic that is my rant to the world. China's fed up with it all. In a fit of emotionlessness, he tells everyone what he's feeling.


I... Ugh... I can't even summon the will to add a meaningful AN up here... You want something insightful, read the bottom. I'm done.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this, not the song, not the anime or the characters.

* * *

_On a cloudless Sunday_

_A superiority complex immersed in self-indulgence_

_Though that doesn't even feel all that great_

_Looking all joyful when you're drugged out_

_You try real hard to keep your jokes gathered up_

_All these ordinary people acting like they're depressed_

_I'm sick of trying to be the good guy_

_And cheer you up!_

It was early in the school day, and Yao was out on the roof enjoying a peaceful moment of silence, leaning against the wall beside the door when he heard it open. Opening a single eye, he was shocked to see his friend and former brother, Kiku Honda walking towards the edge of the roof, towards the fence. Curious, he opened both eyes and followed him. Kiku, unaware of Yao's approach, climbed over the fence and stood on the thin ledge, looking down at the ground below.

Yao sighed and walked over, leaning against the same fence that Kiku held loosely in one hand. He had already told the underclassman that he shouldn't do what he planned but apparently his words didn't reach the youth.

"You wanna die? It's OK if you die

Nobody will care

You wanna die? Go ahead and die

I'm tired of listening to you whine, so you can die"

Yao opened his mouth and the words spilled out, not that he cared. He stared ahead at the rising sun while Kiku merely gapped at him. Having said his piece, he turned his back and walked to the stairs, never looking back.

_"What do you know about me anyway?" _

_That's what you say, even though you don't know me at all either _

_"Leave me be and let me die" _

_That's what you say, even though you don't wanna be alone _

_No matter how much you cry over your troubles _

_In the end you're just putting the blame on someone else _

_Crying, shouting, and cutting up your wrist _

_You're just making a show of it!_

On his way out of the main school building, Yao bumped into his least favorite Brit and former lover Arthur Kirkland. The blond dropped the bow cutter he had in hand and quickly picked it up. Yao raised an eyebrow at the hastily wrapped bandages. Many times while they dated, he told Arthur that he was loved but again, his words went unheard.

The Brit yelled and ranted at him, how he didn't understand the other and that he should just leave him to die. A crowd soon formed but dissipated just as quickly. Yao caught the disappointed look on the other's face and sighed.

"You wanna die? It's OK if you die

No one will even notice

You wanna die? Go ahead and die

You're just pitiful, so you can die"

He told the blond before pushing past him and continuing on his way out the door and to the courtyard. He could feel Arthur's burning gaze locked on his form but could summon the will to care.

_You wanna die but you're still alive?_

_You said you wanted to die so why are you still living?_

_Got a death wish? It's OK if you die_

_You want to die, right? Why not just die?_

He felt his phone vibrate and he flicked it open. There, innocently enough sat a message from his stalker and former friend, Ivan Braginski. Looking up, he found the male looking right at him, his fingers gently messing his tie, as if to hang himself with it. Not even bothering to actually read it, he typed in his response, keeping blank eye contact with the Russian.

"Don't want to live, but you don't want to die either

You don't even know what you want to do

It's annoying how you keep asking me for advice"

Hitting send, he closed his phone and began to walk again, towards the music hall, separate from the main school. Unable to find the means to feel anything, he continued walking, even as he heard three distinct voices calling out to him. He entered the hall and entered his private practice room, where his wonderful guitar and amp sat, all ready for him. Sliding the shoulder strap on, he gently rubbed the guitar's neck,

As his finger strummed the first chord, the door burst open and he began to sing with all his might.

"Quit your complaining

Living or dying

You're driving me crazy!

You wanna die? It's OK if you die

No one will care

You wanna die? Go ahead and die

To hell with you, just die already!

You wanna die but you're still alive?

Living or dying, hurry up and decide

You wanna die? It's okay if you die

If you don't wanna die then live with all your might!

**It's got nothing to do with me!**"

Chest heaving, he felt his own sadness that he pushed back to comfort his friends burst forward. His eyes clouded with years of tears threaten to fall onto his cheeks. His voice was hoarse from nearly screaming the words at his once friend, lover and brother. He collapsed there on the floor, his hands covering his face as he sobbed.

_You wanna die, you got a death wish_

_Hey, you wanna die, you got a death wish_

_Quit your complaining and live with all your might!_

Yao felt three arms embrace him and looked up, bewildered. Kiku had thrown himself around Yao's midsection, sobbing himself as he begged for some semblance of forgiveness, Ivan was kneeling in front of him, his own small hands in the white haired boy's larger ones, muttering about how bad a friend he was, and Arthur was hugging him from behind, quietly whispering how sorry and ashamed he felt. Yao blinked and broke down, all his despair and hurt coming free from its cage in his heart, while his three most important people comforted him for a change.

* * *

... If you want me to say that I understand some people are driven to suicide by their circumstances and will actually do it, then I will, a thousand times over. But I had to get this shit off my chest. It would've festered and burned and hurt.

You people who'll do anything for attention, listen up. When you do cut too deep, when you do slip of that rail, when you can't undo the knot fast enough, don't expect anything from me. I have my own demons and ghosts, adding yours may make you fee better but I continue to drown in my sorrow. So think before you say shit to me, because I am done with you.

I doubt the people this is directed to will ever read this but it feels good to write it away. No need to read and review, this is just for my own good.


End file.
